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endlessimperfections
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Name: Krystal Jade
Birthday: 5/22/1989
Gender: Female
Interests:
Life.
Giraffes,
Making a difference,
toyvoyagers,
Having an addiction to piercings,
Maplestory,
Sunny Days,
Cooking,
Digital Photography,
Being Barefoot,
♂ + ♂ = ♥
♀ + ♀ = ♥
♂ + ♀ = ♥
Occupation: Writer
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  captivatedxme
Member Since:
8/9/2005
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| Current Mood - Plummeting 
I guess the moment I realized that this whole thing is getting worse, was when I was watching a movie, and started bawling at the happiest moment of the movie, jealous of her happy ending.
I want my Diane Sawyer/Carly Simon Moment
Oh, and I think I might have pink eye. Fantastic.
.:We all flirt with the tiniest notion:.
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| Current Mood -- Diminished
Dear Reader,
I'm being bogged down into a deep depression. The kind of depression my body's never experienced before. I know, now, that I've never really known wha depression was until these past few days. It's not just about being sad, angry, or at a loss of words. I'm unmotivated to do simple things. I found myself laying in bed, with these same words running through my head, as I resisted the urge to use the bathroom. I didn't want to leave my bed, plain and simple. I've had so many hurdles thrown my way at once, and my legs are tired. I've just run into all of them, and now just can't jump that high.
I don't even want to be here writing this thing, if it weren't for the notion that it may help ease my mind slightly. It isn't working, and I think it's mostly because I can't be bothered to even explain to you, why it is I'm bogged down. But I'll force it out of me. I won't go into too much detail, though.
We're broke. My husband and I have been dragging in the income department since the beginning of the year. It's really finally starting to break us down. We're behind on the phone bill, the electric bill, rent, I owe money to the hospital, the loan company, my sister, my best friend, and my credit is torn to pieces, meaning that I probably won't be getting a loan enough to get me into school.
I've been watching my husband and I drifting apart for months, and whenever I talk about it, one of us usually get angry. I finally had a good, useful conversation with him this morning. I think it was because he knows that at this moment, I'm just at the end of my rope. I don't think I can deal with anything else.
Last weekend I was more or less molested by some random guy from a bar. He didn't grab my breasts or rape me, but he was touching me, in a sexual manner, and I told him not to. He kissed me and I told him not to. And he was trying his damnedest to get me to go home with him. I was more intoxicated that night than I had been in a really long time, really trying to just forget what had happened the week before. But it just made things worse. The only proud moment I have of the entire past two weeks, is that even at my most vulnerable, I stood my ground and said no to him. I suppose this type of thing wouldn't be a big deal to most girl. Most girls have probably been drunkenly kissed by a stranger while they were also drunk. But those things don't happen to a girl like me. I don't want to kiss strange men, I've never even CONTEMPLATED a one night stand, and I never, ever want to do anything to hurt my husband.
I can't cry. I can't really smile. I don't even want to talk. Not to my husband, my mom, anyone on the phone, or online. It's really and effort even doing this. I'm tired of writing...
I've said my piece.
.: Do you have the time to listen to me whine, about nothing and everything all at once?:.
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| Current Mood --  Fed Up
Dear Kelin,
I have known you since the summer of 2005. Could it really be five years already? I suppose so. Through that time I have seen a lot of stuff go down. After five years of biting my tongue, I am going to open my mouth and let you know what really went on a couple of hundred miles away from you.
Chelsey was sixteen when you two started dating. She was from a small town, nothing like Lewiston. As you're aware, it's the kind of town where everybody knows everybody else, and drivers will gawk awkwardly at any unrecognizable stranger walking down the road. She was sixteen. She had never been kissed, never been in any sort of relationship, serious or playful, and she was pure and innocent in the truest sense. Even then, she'd had a heart of gold, ready to leap for love. You came in, swept her off her feet, and the rest, well, it's just history.
Do you remember that night in May 2007? I do. Your relationship was still in its infancy, but you were acting strange. I was spending the night with her that night. It was the weekend that we were celebrating my birthday. She just started freaking out. I read the e-mails. They were graphic and heading towards an even more graphic situation. You tried to act as if everything was fine, even when she went so far as asking you if it had happened, you stuck to your "no". We had the messages pulled up in front of us as you denied it. Do you have any idea how much respect I lost for you that day? Granted you may not have physically touched that girl, that is a low thing to do. You were seventeen years old and in a relationship with a fantastic young woman. I mean, yes, she can be a bit needy, but everyone can. She can be a bit jealous, but it's not as if you didn't give her reason to be. You were not the one who stayed up all night with her. You weren't the one sitting there, trying to convince her that it was a small mistake. That you woudln't do anything like that to hurt her again. I was, Kelin, I was. I tried to make her believe that it was a one-off, that you were a good guy. But three years later, I find myself knowing in my core, that I was wrong that night. I should have supported my gut instinct, that you were, are, and will continue to be, scum. It's pretty simple. I just have one question for you. Were the words you and Sarah typed between each other, worth everything you lost in Chelsey?
But Chelsey was easy to try to forgive, but she couldn't forget. Honestly, if you were in her shoes, if you were spending day after day, having to worry about whether or not she was the one cheating on you, or if it had progressed into something physical, would you have put up with it? No. As things seemed to improve, the questions were eating her away inside. You went to New Hampshire and she was in Farmington. The distance didn't ease the pain, if anything it worsened it. I started to notice the relationship going sour the quickest, at this point. College is a time of experimentation, of finding out who you are, and you two were bound by the invisible ropes of 'love'. You were changing, racing quickly to become this new person that nobody likes. Do you know how much it hurt me, trying to get Chelsey to come to the student center with me for a craft night, but she had to stay and talk to you because you'd get angry when her attention strayed from you for a moment. Your mood swings made her dizzy, but it made US even more dizzy. God knows, Chelsey can be difficult in a relationship. I've seen her start fights with you, but she only did it to keep the conversation rolling. She never actually wanted to fight with you, she loved you. I hated that it was perfectly okay for you to blow Chelsey off for your friends, but if she tried to engage in a pre-planned event with us, all Hell would break loose. The double standard is not okay.
That November, the single most frightening thing happened. Chelsey and I were struck, as pedestrians, by a drunk driver. She cried for me, she cried for you, but it wasn't like you could be there.
I left school after that, but we obviously remained close, otherwise I'd have no reason to write this. I don't remember the particular order that the events took place in, but I have a bone or two to pick with you, my wrath is not over.
Your relationship was in a rough patch, neither of you knew how much longer you could hold on at the rate you were both plummeting downwards. I'd honestly thought the worst was over, that this was the crescendo of negativity in your relationship. But you had to prove me wrong again. I don't know why you feel the need to continue to pull the rug out from underneath my sister but you did it again. A certain Sarah popped back up in your life. How do you think that is supposed to look to your girlfriend? You're constantly fighting, the trench between you two was only growing, and you had to add the one woman that I'm sure Chelsey despises with her entire being? I thought you were intelligent, but then again, before you cheated on her, I also thought you were a kind-hearted respectable person, but I'm pretty sure you just really like proving people wrong.
After enough strain, even steel isn't strong enough to resist bending. You snapped her in half when you broke her heart. You were over. Let me just say this to you now, as an aside, breaking up with her is the only good thing you ever did for her. Anyway, she sunk into a depression. How can you just stop loving somebody? You either love somebody forever, or you never loved them in the first place. I saw her fighting with all her strength, tooth and nail to hold onto you, but when I really looked close at what she was fighting for, it wasn't YOU, she wanted. It was the Kelin she fell in love with before you decided to turn into a complete asshole. She wanted the innocent, trustworthy Kelin back. The one who loved her, the one who would never hurt her, the one who would never jeopardize his relationship with her for a "friend", the one who would never leave her. I tried to tell her that Kelin wasn't coming back. And all though you looked like that Kelin, and smelled, tasted, sounded and felt like him, you were not him and never could be again.
After it was clear that you two were over, you tried to stay friends. She would tell me about the sort of things you would talk about. I was appalled to hear that you were not only sitting there and telling her you had feelings for other women, but also that you were feeding her lines about how much you miss her. I saw through your lies, I usually have, but Chelsey was blinded by the haze of what she thought was love. Even though you would message and text her about other women, even younger women, when you were a T.A. I was disgusted with you, and I still am. I can't even look at your photo without feeling enraged. I saw the push and shove technique you've been trying to use on her. Trying to lure her into your arms so you can take advantage of her vulnerability. "Men" like you are pathetic, at best, and you really have no idea how ashamed I am that I even know you, even more so that I was willing to stay friends with both of you. How do you expect me to stay friends with a person like you, who has such disregard for any morals or feelings for another human being you're supposed to 'love'.
For months I saw her struggle. It was like watching a heroine addict in rehab. She'd relapse for you. Even when she had completely deleted you from her life, you found a way to wiggle back into it, like the worm that you are. But she did it. Her fever broke, the shivers ceased, she stopped calling out for you. She was ready to dip her toe into the waters of dating again. You had mangled her heart to bits, but she still found it in her to love again. I watched as you tried to pull her back, luring her back towards you, a metaphorical stranger with candy. And I watched her resists, stronger than ever, and no longer in need of you. Let those words sink in, Kelin. She. Does. Not. Need. You.
Recently, she found somebody worthwhile, finally a cure to your seemingly malignant cancer. Eric is the best thing that has ever happened to her. What baffles me is how you could blame the distance for most of your problems all those years, but Eric is in California. Explain yourself now. I wish I could unthink most of what I think of you. I think you're ugly, I think you're untalented, and I think you're probably the biggest waste of human tissue in our generation.
Think of all the damage you caused this once innocent woman that you broke down. You took all of her firsts. You cheated on her. You mentally wore her, Kelin, no matter how much you're unwilling to admit it. No amount of good looks or talent, is going to change that. You drove her to drink excessive amounts. And you toyed with her like a kitten with a string of yarn, dangling yourself in front of her and yanking it away.
I spoke with Eric on the phone, he is fantastic. He has a sense of humor you lack, he has a well-rounded personality which you lack, he is gorgeous (which again you lack), and he loves her with all of his heart, something you couldn't ever fathom.
If you're reading this and are completely offended and none wiser, then I have failed at my mission in this blog. But if you are a bit wiser, and see a bit more, then I succeeded. The only thing I can recommend is that you let Chelsey live the rest of her life in peace. She doesn't need you there anymore to confuse things. As it is, you already have her comparing every other person in her life to you. She's constantly worried about people leaving, people hurting her, and she has no trust in humanity anymore. It is your fault. There is nobody left to blame because in all honesty, had you not come along, she'd still be that pure, loving young woman I knew five years ago.
So I congratulate you in successfully breaking another human being. And I wish you the best in life, and pray you steer clear of her for good, because she's got something that she never had with you. Happiness, ecstasy, rapture, and none of those emotions even spark, with the thought of you.
.:Maybe that's what happens when a volcano meets a tornado:.
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| Current Mood --  Inspired
That's right Reader, no need to clean your glasses or rub your eyes. This is the first time in a rather long time, that no only do I make a post, but it's a post that isn't going to be about me wallowing in my own sorrow. Oh no, I'm feeling rather uplifted as of late and I can't really explain why. Perhaps it's that I haven't slept all night and that it's 8AM. Or maybe I just had a nice chat with somebody, and am finally realizing that what I say, can also apply to my life.
I've been graduated from high school since June of 2007. But how is it that I'm still being surprised by the way that people treat me. I'm not the same Krystal that people knew three years ago and it makes me so happy to see that people understand that. We all know that first impressions aren't always correct. But some of these people are taking a reputation and a person that they have had built up in their mind for years, as a definitive me, and coming to a realization that people do change. (And as I've stated in just about every other blog I've written since the beginning of time, I've changed)
My younger sisters went to a party a couple of weeks ago. One of the boys I graduated with, actually one that would give me quite a hard time, confronted my sisters, because I wasn't there. He apologized to my sisters for making fun of me for all those years. This guy doesn't seem to use FaceBook, MySpace, Xanga, or any social networking site, and I don't really know how to get a hold of him. It's actually kind of bothering me. I'm past what happened all those years ago and I don't want something so petty to be eating away at him, if it isn't eating away at me, any more. It isn't like the things that anybody said to me in high school, put me into such a psychotic state, that I had to have a metal evaluation. I'm stable, but as expected, there were a few nights I did come home from school crying because they called me names. I think it's kind of funny when I look back on it now. If my current self new myself back then, I'd probably be where he was, making fun of me. I know that probably just means that I haven't matured, and have probably de-evolved, but what I mean is that, I guess I can understand why they did it. I was a walking target.
Just now, I finished talking with another guy who graduated a year ahead of me. We never really talked in high school, he had his crowd, I had mine, and I think I just assumed that my speaking to him would result in what usually happened when I talked to somebody who was out of my social league. In the past six months he and I have hung out a few times at parties, not really making any special effort to be together, but just being at the same place at the same time. Lately, we've been talking on FaceBook and making plans to hang out together. This guy is so cool and I just am really appreciative that this strange friendship is being molded out of what was originally a clash between high school stereotypes. He has a passion for music to which I think few can compare, a common bond we both share. It surprises me just how easy it is to talk to him, especially considering how belittling it felt before. He sings, he's not perfect but he's unique and has a very soothing tone to his voice. Even if he does go off pitch, it's comforting to listen to, however he is very self-conscious. But as of late, he has been sharing with me, and it's just such a nice feeling. We're like magnets, repelling, now attracting. Obviously in a non-sexual way, but this whole "holy crap, people actually do grow up" thing is really surprising.
While I'm here, I may as well fill you in on some bad things that have been going on, but no worries, it's not too depressing, I'm on too much of a natural high.
The weather has been hot a humid. I live in Maine. Maine should not be having this kind of heat, this kind of humidity and for this length of time. I can understand a hot humid day once in a while, but for over a week straight. Come on, Mother Nature, give us a break. The heat has been causing me and Richy to get so moody and sticky that we don't even want to hold hands when we go to bed. All we do is sit in front of a fan, talk about going swimming, and about how we're hungry and nobody wants to cook. I know it makes us sound lazy, but it's just so uncomfortable to move or do anything.
Anyway, I just read something that the guy I was talking about, wrote. That's why I'm feeling so 'inspired'. Even if I don't get into it right now (because I haven't slept yet), I want to start writing soon. I always feel better when I right. Of course I don't just mean writing to you, Reader. I mean writing a poem or a song or something more artistic than just telling you about my day or week. (Even though I have been told on numerous occasions that I have a very poetic way of, writing, speaking, and carrying myself in general, so I suppose you do get a taste of my poetic side.)
Oh, just for future reference, I never actually proof-read my blogs, I find it more risky. Ha, just kidding, I just really don't feel like doing it, so if you see and error, too bad :D.
I should go rest, I haven't had much sleep with this heat, and I'm actually kind of tired this time.
.:And you'd hold me and remind you who you are under their shell:.
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| Current Mood --  Lonely
Dear Reader,
I'm back much sooner this time, but still with nothing worthwhile to say. I'm in a place, within myself, that I have been before, and never really liked. I feel like I have so much to say, but the people that I've always found comfort in saying things to, have all but disappeared. I guess now it's time to say a lot of things that I've been holding in, or saying anonymously under a different name. I don't care who reads it this time. I just hope I get comfort in saying it.
I miss my friends and the way that things were between us. I hate how I'm here, and it seems like every time I turn around, another one bites the dust. (Ha, if I'm going to be serious, I can at least drop a Queen quote, can't I?) The people that I care about most, the people that at times I saw myself putting before my family and myself, have... replaced me. I guess that's the way I feel, replaced. It frustrates me to think this way because I feel as if this is a very childish though process, but it's the way I feel.
I remember a time when my best friend and I got into the only fight we've ever been in. It was over alcohol, and how she never wanted to end up like her father. But as I watch her socially expanding, from a far, I see her molding into the thing she promised herself she wouldn't. The only time I hear from her is when she's drunk dialing me, and that hurts. I used to be her confidant, and she is as close to me as my own family. No, closer. I marked her memory permanently on my body, bonding us together in sisterhood. It hurts to see her being closer to other people, watching her slip further and further away from the person I've grown to know, and instead, I see her turning into a stranger. The thought of her reading this bothers me a bit, but in honesty, I hope she does. I worry about her all the time and when I mention my worry to her, I feel as if I'm politely being told to shove off. I don't want to look away from someone changing who has meant so much to me in my life. We have been through the good, the bad, and the nearly fatal, and I'm not about to lose her to something petty. I love her.
While we're on the topic of losing friends, there's a friend that I've lost in the past year. We've barely spoken within the year, and when we have it was short, sweet, and to the point. The truth, however, is that I miss our friendship. I miss how we were before all of this stupid stuff happened. But I've promised myself I will not be the one to cave in the way that I have every other time before. Call it foolish pride, or what have you, but I'm not going to apologize. I was not wrong and I will not back down for something I did right. That is something I've done my entire life, I've apologized when I wasn't wrong, and I refuse this time. And if your stubbornness is going to be the be all and end all of what was our friendship, then so be it. I'm not the doormat she remember me as, and if she's willing to put it behind us and apologize or at least acknowledge me, then perhaps we can start fresh, but I'm not going to get down on my knees again. Never again.
As I mentioned in my last blog, another one of my best friends are moving at the end of the month. Today is the 19th of June, and the 'end of the month' is coming up, inching by in a way that I don't even notice it. It bothers me that she's leaving, even though I'm ecstatic she is doing it to better herself and this town is nothing but a dead-end. I'm being selfish in wishing she'd stay, but it's going to be really bad without her. I'm glad I got to meet her and get close to her, I think she really needed someone to confide in, but ... it's really eating at me that she's leaving. *Sigh* They always do.
Forgive me for my sappy blog, Reader. As I mentioned the other day, I haven't been well. I realized yesterday just how out of whack my body is. As I sat and watched a movie, feeling unwell, I started crying during a commercial. I wish I meant, I just shed a tear or two, but I'm talking about full our bawling, my breaths coming in spasms, and a wailing sort of noise coming from the depths of my soul. I won't really understand it, it was a commercial I had seen several times before. It's the one with Sarah McLaughlin talking about shelter animals. I know it's a sad commercial, but I've seen it at least thirty times before, and I had never cried. I wish I could sort myself out. The up and down that I've been going through is really starting to feel like a roller coaster, and I've never really liked them to begin with. I'm afraid of heights, and they make me queasy.
.:I'll be gone in a day or two:.
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